im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize