Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize