just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize