I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just high enough for therapy.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
