I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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