i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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