the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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