yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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