No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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