it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize