he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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