matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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