At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize