haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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