Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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