dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
