You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Less talking, more tequila
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
