separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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