I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
