What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize