I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
