1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
