My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
