I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
