Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
