I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
