i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
