I have demons in me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
