Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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