Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
