Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
