Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Welp...herpes.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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