did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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