I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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