Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
