she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
