You smell like stripper and shame
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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