walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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