I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
