Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
