i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize