I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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