alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
