Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
