I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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