why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
