see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
