i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
