someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize