Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
