I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
