if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
