Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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