i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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